| choosing battles |
[May. 24th, 2008|05:39 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sick | ] |
| [ | music |
| | To Run - Josiah Leming | ] |
i've been feeling under the weather lately. was unable to attend team rp's meeting last thursday night because i was feeling rather off and i needed rest. the rainy season's too cold for me and i've been waking up with a groggy head for days now because of it.
i'm actually supposed to attend a caucus now in miriam college (also missed a conference last saturday because of not feeling well), but when my alarm went off at around 8am, my body felt pinned down to the bed and i could hardly reach for my phone charging on the desk at the foot of the bed. when i eventually, did, i texted team rp peeps that i might not be able to make it (the caucus was a whole day thing). also texted maita that i might not be able to make it tonight for our movie night out. then i shut my eyes out of tiredness and the next thing i know, it was past 2pm. i wouldn't have gotten out of bed if it wasn't for my grumbling stomach. i haven't had dinner last night as i was so tired to even cook one.
but i was out yesterday. when i woke up around noon yesterday, i read "survivor!" in my phone, a reminder i remembered i set at 8am. i was mulling over the "survivor philippines" ad i saw last week and thought of giving it a try just so because i want something adventurous to do after defending my thesis if only to break the verging routine of what i do (research, write papers, dabble with politics, etc.) and of course, get a free vacation, albeit as a cast away. so i forced myself out from bed to give it a try.
i haven't seen any "survivor" episode from start to finish though. i've watched some in segments so i had to ask ali about the show and did some basic wiki research on how the show goes. i'm not as much excited being on cam or getting the prize money but i do want to win - it's like a must for me that if i enter a competition, i should win it.
so i went to sm manila yesterday. i arrived at 2pm and the line has reached liwasang bonifacio. it was raining and i still felt it was pretty embarrassing to fall in line at liwasan so i went to the mall instead and snooped at what they're doing first. when i saw a camera man and a girl interviewing one hopeful in line, i thought it would be wiser to just fall in line later to avoid them. so i ate my much-loved grilled cheeseburger and scoured every bookstore in the mall to pass time. saw some good books too, but i unfortunately didn't have the spare money to buy. went to some clothing stores to if only to really make me realize that i have got to upgrade my wardrobe, hehe..
but all the while, i was thinking if i really wanted it. i mean, i don't like to seem that i'm in it for the money (something which i have never convinced myself to do in any of the jobs i took) but i also didn't want to not be decisive enough and get discouraged easily. i was thinking about a lot of things and what would happen in case i go through with it and pass. my hopes weren't high on even getting in (rumors have it that the 16 cast aways were already picked) but something in me wanted to get surprised.
by around 8pm, i went to see if the line was already short enough and if there were no cameras anymore. the mall closes at 9pm, so i figured it was already an opportune time to fall in line and get through it with less embarrassment. and it was. i was at the tail-end of the line with only about twenty more people behind me (they actually cut the line earlier but the guard let me through). some people infront of me were actually rejected already and just line up for the second time.
after filling out a form, i was called in for the first round with four other more hopefuls. the interviewer asked us what we would do if we were one of the five cast aways remaining on the island and our four comrades are plotting to vote us off next but we had all the food. i was the first to ask and i said i would use the food to bargain for my stay. when the interviewer asked "diba magmumukha kang masama nun?" i said "marami namang ways to bargain without looking bad."
the three next hopefuls were to kind and said they would share the food and the last one just said she wouldn't share them since she will be voted out. the interviewer explained that since it was a competition, cast aways should do whatever it takes to stay in the game and i was the only one admitted to the second round. i was given number 10882.
i was texting ali althroughout while waiting in line. during the second round, we were asked why we joined survivor. the first one (number 10881) said he wanted to join because of the prize money for his brother. when the interviewer came to me, i just said i like competition and games which uses the mind as capital (since strategy weighs more than strength in "survivor"). i didn't hear what the other said but long story short, i didn't pass the second round. two in our ten-member passed though; one, a forty-something, married taekwondo teacher who the interviewer seemed to have flirted with (the interviewer was gay). i can tell, since the interviewer took about a minute and 30 seconds talking with him, smiling and all and his fellow crew members were looking at it with suspicious eyes.
i'm not really sure what the winning answer was and while most of those who passed looked "artistahin" as one guy complained, i don't think they were simply looking for that (a good number of guys who got in were average looking). when i didn't pass, i thought for one in a very long time that it was a telling sign that it wasn't really my thing. fatalist as it may sound, i did think that probably something else was meant for me for the coming months.
i heard that the "survivor" taping would be this coming june, which was another reason why i felt kind of hesistant when i was strolling the mall. i've got a magazine due in mid july and a conference to prepare for at the end of july. i was hesitant because getting through the audition might bring my hopes up and i didn't want to end up in a situation where i would have to choose over it and the magazine or the conference.
if i don't get at least a three-unit load this semester (god forbid!), i would practically be jobless. as in, excpet for the freelance thing with the teen negosyo magazine, i have notheing to get income from and no excuse of not working since i would have been finished with my graduate studies by next week. i would technically become a couch potato if i don't get a load for the next semester. i'm honestly reluctant to get another job because i want my schedule to be free for whatever time is available for that three-unit subject i'm pinning my hopes on.
but i'm also running out of cash. i'm down to a few thousands which could only stretch to a couple more months if i just stay at home (which is quite impossible). i even felt really affected as i was watching the news about inflation and the rising gas prices last night. food prices almost doubled even in wet markets and just as the jeepney fare increased by 50 cents, diesel just increased by 1.50, making jeepney drivers demand a new 2.50 fare increase.
much as i still don't want to, all of these make me think that i should really start working for money, that i can't be purist about work fulfilment anymore. sigh. not getting in to "survivor" also tells me that i shouild really start choosing my battles and stop spreading myself too thin. i've been recently very active in team rp and other socio-civic stuff, which i do rpo bono, all the while, my coffers are getting empty. i like to join and do a lot of things but i'm seemingly ignoring the fact that i can't do those stuff if i don't have the means to (which is, of course, money). sigh.
i'm going to relax and try to feel better this weekend (i still feel kinda heavy now) so as to prepare for my thursday oral defense, which i still hope i can pass with flying colors - that would be really a good, since i'm kind of feeling down, figuratively and literally, lately; success is always a reason to smile. i have really got to refocus and begin choosing my battles, where my efforts should go into. i can't still say i'm gonna be bent for working for money, but after my defense, i hope there's something good, work-wise, waiting for me for the next semester. i'm still hoping to teach. i'm crossing my fingers. |
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